妻の鬱病は、かなり回復してきたと私は感じている。
”感じている”と曖昧に書いたのは、妻自身がどう感じているかは分からないからだ。当人以外が勝手に「回復してる」と断言するのは、苦しんでいる妻に失礼だろう。でも、当人ではなく、かつ、一番近くにいる立場から、妻の状態を客観的に見られているのではないかと思う。
妻が毒親と絶縁してから、妻の鬱病は回復傾向にある。それよりかなり前にも、鬱病の処方薬を抗うつ薬から漢方薬に切り替えた時に、悪化傾向から回復傾向に転じていたのだが、それよりも現状のほうがより良い回復傾向にあるように見える。心の重しが外れたことにより、普段の何気ない会話や表情にも明るさが戻って来ているような感じだ。
ヨガ教室に通うようになったことをはじめ、最近では、昔の友達とコミュニケーションを取るようになり、少しずつだが外出が増えてきている。以前には考えられないぐらいの回復だ。
ただ、だからといって、完治が見えるほど回復してきているのかというと、そうではない。鬱病の症状は、酷く落ち込む時期と比較的落ち着いた時期が不定期で入れ替わるので、回復傾向にあっても、症状が悪化することがある。
傍で見ている立場では、妻の回復傾向を見ていると完治への期待感を持ってしまうので、鬱病の波によって少しでも症状が悪化すると、期待感からの反動でガッカリしてしまう。これまでの経験から頭では分かっていても、やっぱり感情としては残念な気持ちになる。
これが良くない。ホントに良くない。私は人間が出来てないから、残念な気持ちが顔や行動に出てしまい、妻に察知されてしまうのである。間接的に妻の鬱病を責めていることになるから、より気持ちを落ち込ませることになるし、そこからDVに繋がったりする。
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